What the hell did I just watch? It was an hour of weird baths, forced smiles, creepy uncles, and strange walks down (always) misty roads. I’m confused on the (slightly incestuous) relationship between a brother and a sister, enough Blue Steel poses to shame Zoolander, and the extreme intensity of that kid from Independence Day.
And you thought I wouldn’t recognize you.
First of all, everyone took themselves WAY too seriously. Even the jokes were serious. The entire episode felt like everyone was expecting to die every time they turned around. If they weren’t about to die, Creepy Uncle acted like death itself. However, he runs the local funeral parlor, so it’s supposed to be fitting.
The scares were also pretty PG, except for kid from Independence Day taking a bath and almost gets suffocated by the shower curtain. He was also much more naked than I expected him to be on ABC Family. There was also some weird pale witch who had terrible hair and gray skin (which was poorly applied, says the girl who watches waaaaay too much Face Off). She appears mainly to distract the characters like cat gets distracted with a laser pointer – they keep trying to catch her, but can never pin her down.
All of the families have suffered some kind of tragedy – depression, loss of a parent, terrible hairstyles. I don’t know how much more sadness they can try to cram down our throats. Yes, sad things happen. Yes, you’re all terrible at acting. Yes, maybe there’s a curse about the things you’re creepily talking about right before the 5 main characters drive off a bridge into the river. What I’m actually sad about is that whole hour I’ll never get back. I could’ve used it to watch something good – like Breaking Bad.
I would have to say out of the hours upon hours of television that I watch, my number one guilty pleasure would have to be Pretty Little Liars. I find the show smart, funny and just the perfect amount of convoluted. I’ve been a big mystery nerd my entire life. Agatha Christie was my favorite author from elementary school on, and my favorite Babysitter’s Club books were the Babysitter’s Mysteries (I had all of them). Pretty Little Liars speaks to that part of me. I love the hints and clues, and I’m pretty good at picking up on things. For example, I totally called *SPOILER ALERT* that Ezra was A or at least on Team A. Assuming they don’t eventually pull a Toby, it also gave me mad respect for the show’s writers. (They’ve literally be giving us clues since the beginning if you go back and look!) Anyway, without further ado here were some of my favorite moments from the Halloween episode, as well as some delightfully ridiculous ones.
When the girls first appeared in their Edwardian gear I could not believe how ridiculous they looked. Mostly because of the hats. But seriously, Edwardian is such a weirdly specific theme.
Seriously, what are these hats?
I think the writers are trying to make it clear that Ezra isn’t going to be a red herring or a double agent like Toby. It was especially evident in the moment where Ezra calls Aria. As a viewer, you can clearly see that the dynamic has changed and it’s a bit unsettling. That being said I totally love it.
Oh just wait.
Creepy red twins! These were a bit of a let down when they were finally revealed (just regular old citizens of Ravenswood). It would have been so much better had they been a cameo by the creepy ghost twins from past Halloween episodes.
So creepy.
Poor Emily always seems to get the short end of the stick. Of course, she is the one first confronted by Grundlewald. Of course, she’s almost cut in half by a jagged glass window. Give the gay a break!
When the four Liars are bantering together I get giddy. So well written. Also, Spencer and Hannah please don’t ever change.
Oh shut up, you totally are.
Oh Ali. Just your typical zombie/ghost friend disappearing through hidden doors in a tomb.
HANNA GETS REPLACED BY A STATUE! This one I was actually surprised by. Also how was Hanna the one who kept her hat the longest? Probably because it was shoved so far on her head she couldn’t see past the brim.
RATS! God that was the worst part of the whole episode. Can’t handle it. Poor Hanna.
What the hell was with the weird alien things outside of the phone booth? But Ali’s face and DoughboyEzra showing up afterward were totally freaky.
Okay, writers, you know I love you, but stop trying to make Ravenswood happen on Pretty Little Liars. I’m planning on watching the damn show in minutes. Please don’t take away time from the main PLL storyline to give us backstory on this weird hobo girl. Seriously the time spent with Miranda made me not want to watch the damn show.
But not today, because you’ve put me off of it. Look for a Ravenswood review on Friday.
I loved Spencer beating the shit out of DoughboyEzra and ALMOST unmasking him. I also love that he seems to have seriously contemplated killing her. I wonder why he didn’t.
Come on guys did we really not think that was a recording of Ali’s voice.
Best moment of the episode:
Spencer: “One of us knows how to change a tire right?”
Emily: “Are you looking at me cause I’m gay?”
So gay.
Really? Hanna is going to ask Caleb to stay in Ravenswood? No just no.
Ezra picking up the girls was perfect. Everything he does now is suspicious. But how did he drive all the way back to Rosewood without exposing his cut hand?
And the biggest non-surprise of all – Ali is alive.
The countdown is on for January! In the meantime, I’ll get over my apathy and get to reviewing Ravenswood. Let’s hope it fill the void until 4B.
No foundation challenge, because evidently Eddie was a ray sunshine and now everyone is too depressed to go on. Also, we’re past that point in the season.
Spotlight Challenge:
They’re going to be creating Norse Elves, because Thor: The Dark World is following me today. Laura feels like she has an advantage, because she’s studied elves in depth. So adorable. Team Laura!!
They must pick a stone with a Norse symbol, but the catch is they have to pick the symbol before they learn what it means. They end up as follows:
Anime – Immortality
Tate – Regeneration
Roy – Psychic Powers
Miranda – Chaos
Laura – Occult Abilities
I think Miranda probably got the easiest one out of those. Of course.
I’m afraid that Laura is going to get into her head, because she knows so much about elves. I think she is afraid of that too so that’s a good sign… Fingers crossed.
Anime is not her typical inspired self. She pushes her sculpture around for a while then ends up having a breakdown in the bathroom. Tate checks on her and she says she just wants to be alone. Later Roy is able to comfort her and get her to come out of the bathroom. Here’s hoping she knocks this out of the park (and Miranda gets kicked off)!
Sadly, the next morning Laura finds a note from Anime saying that she has decided to leave. She says she didn’t expect to stay so long and at this point would give $100,000 just to see her family again. I’m sad to see her go, especially since she was the last newbie standing, but I think it was the right decision for her. Godspeed, Laney! (Yes we know her name.) I will be seriously pissed if Miranda is on bottom and is saved because of this though.
On Application Day Miranda is so far behind that she actually uses her model as labor. Like has her model opening the mold, cleaning out the mold, spreading latex in the mold, drying the mold, painting his own arms and legs, everything! Roy makes a crack about the model perhaps being a contest next season with everything he’s learning today.
Bottom Look for Me: Miranda
Everything about this is a disaster and if Neville says anything positive it will be confirmation that they are sleeping together.
And, of course, he talked about the success of the makeup. They’re totally doing it.
Top Look for Me: Laura
It’s also helped by the fact that she chose the most elfish looking model, but it was a total look and pretty damn flawless.
Judge’s Choice – Tate
Disagree.
Eliminated – No one.
Because Neville is doing Miranda. I hate everyone.
Other Thoughts:
Anime is so sad now! Somebody needs to switch out her stash for the happy stuff!
Tate’s concept sketch looks sort of like Cheetara.
Why in the Nordic Challenge would Miranda decide to channel the Mayans?
Miranda is so far behind and miserable.
Of course Laura has back up options. She’s the best.
This is likely true, but I just don’t get it, NBC. You have critically-lauded comedies with devoted (though small) audiences that you unceremoniously sacrifice to whatever TV god you worship in favor of total crap. Last year I watched eight shows on NBC, while Parks and Rec is on hiatus that number will be reduced to one. And, honestly, depending on the premiere of Grimm (the only surviving NBC show that I watch) that number may soon be zero.
I was sad when they ended The Office and 30 Rock, disappointed when they cancelled Go On and The New Normal, but I’ll be angry if they cancel Parks & Rec. I’m watching you, NBC.
Following much debate between Jen and I, we’ve decided to abandon recapping How I Met Your Terrible and Disappointing Final Season. After watching the last episode in which absolutely nothing happened (and I threw a fit about how stupid the writers now think we are), it’s become a waste of time to try and care about how this show ends.
Of course we’ll still watch it, but don’t expect to find any new recaps. Perhaps we’ll post a reaction gif or two, nothing more. What’s become of this final season is a tragedy and a shadow of what it used to be. The characters are not who they were for the past 8 years – watered-down cartoon versions now throw temper tantrums over thank you cards, reassure each other that they are madly in love in every sentence, and have broken every rule these writers carefully established. Ted can take that yellow umbrella and shove it up his butt.
From The Husband:
And where the hell is the mother?! How do you premise an entire season of a show, of a series, and in the final season’s big reveal they’ve shown her once and now they’re just wasting time? Show the mother! Show the mother! The whole point is building her up so that the payoff works because they’ve built it up so much over the past 8 seasons, and now they’re not even resolving it…they’re wasting time with this nonsense about thank you cards. It would be ten times better if the season were 5 episodes long, cut out all the crap, and finally show us who the mother is and how they meet. End of story, successful show, no more bullshit.
About half way through work I remembered that American Horror Story was coming on tonight and it made my day. The episode didn’t disappoint – creepy, shocking and thought provoking. I literally clapped with delight twice, and both my wife and I audibly sighed and asked for more when the credits rolled. Here are a few of my favorite parts, which let’s face it were practically all of them.
Even though I figured Lily Rabe would be back (pretty sure you can’t kill a necromancer even with fire), I was overly delighted when she appeared in the first scene of this episode. Also, if you have the power to bring back the dead might as well use it to murder redneck alligator hunters with their own kills.
I absolutely adore the idea of the Human Voodoo Doll power. It is such a new and interesting take on things. I loved seeing Queenie’s origin story and was cringing as she thrust her hand in the oil. Also, there was a lot of fried chicken in this episode. Somebody needs to call Popeye’s for some product placement.
I know a lot of people are not fans of Emma Roberts, (Twitter’s heinous response to the gang rape from last episode is evidence of that) but I absolutely adore her and her character. I have a soft spot for bitches and she plays it perfectly. I’m sure she’ll be dead by season’s end, but I’ll enjoy her bitchiness while it lasts.
I also love that Madison wanted to pay back Zoe for sexing her rapist to death by rebuilding Kyle. The entire storyline was perfect, from the gruesome morgue scene where they picked the parts to the trippy spell scene and Kyle’s return as a confused and angry Frankenstein’s monster.
There is a chance that Cordelia’s pregnancy storyline will end up lame (and let’s face it I would much rather watch Sarah Paulson make out with a scantily clad Emma Roberts than lame-o Josh Hamilton), but as of right now I’m invested. As a couple in a similar situation, my wife and I can identify with the desperation Cordelia’s feeling after a year of trying to conceive. At first, we agreed that if we had a magical option we would totally take it, but after the weird snake possession sex circle we’re not so sure. As long as there’s no marriage with Satan, we’re probably still all in. Also, Ryan Murphy clearly likes him some pregnant Sarah Paulson. Just sayin.
I am so ready for witches vs. voodoo, and this episode was an excellent primer. Angela Basset has been brilliant so far and I’m sure she’ll continue to be. Fiona may be powerful, but as I’ve said before you don’t mess with voodoo.
Sure it’s only Episode 2, but I’ve been loving this season so far. The only thing that is off is the character of Zoe. She is incredibly whiney, and I’m totally over it. Taissa Farmiga is a talented actress so we’ll see. Next week marks the arrival of one of my least favorite people: Patti Lupone. Here’s hoping for a bloody, satisfying and quick end to her character.
Grim Reaper Challenge – Artists must create an original face for the faceless Grim Reaper.
Tate’s looks like a pug. Anime made Rob Zombie. Roy’s is very creepy with no mouth. Laura combined different pre-made prosthetic pieces to create a unique looking Grim Reaper.
Winner: Laura!!!
Suck it, everyone else!!
Spotlight Challenge
Artists must create an original ghost character that is both scary and funny. This is an intimidating challenge, and I must say I’m glad Laura has immunity. To make something both scary and silly is a strange concept, and the only example Mackenzie and Vee could come up with is Beetlejuice, who is only creepy looking. Michael Keaton made it funny.
For looking so funny, Eddie is clueless on how to make something creepy/funny. He struggles with his initial design, which is some weird doctor. He changes to a 1920s baseball player with a bat sticking out of his head.
Everyone seems to be maintaining a pretty on time schedule. Also, Alana is gone, so no one is freaking out over nothing. Anime “wigs out” over her purple wig, but that seems to be the extent of the drama in the first two days. I feel like I’m watching another terrible episode of How I Met Your Mother with the amount of drama from nothing they’ve got going on.
Roy puts on his midget bodysuit and it is as awesome as it sounds.
Eddie makes some questionable choices on his character. Miranda has a freak out during last looks because her paint job is not finished. And it just looks terrible.
Top Look: Roy’s Midget Twins.
I just want to see him wear the costume again.
Bottom Look: Eddie’s Baseball Ghost.
Just no to everything about it.
Judges’ Choice: Roy’s Midget Twins.
Rightfully so. It was an excellent idea and finely executed.
Eliminated: Eddie.
No surprise because it sucked balls.
Random Thoughts:
Why did Eddie stick the baseball bat on the back of his character’s head?
Glen so wants to be Sweeny Todd. On crack.
Tate’s is pretty bad ass. It looks like Woody’s pedophile uncle.
Those judges better judge the shit out of that crappy purple Marie Antoinette.
It’s confirmed. Miranda is sleeping with Neville Page.
It is decided!
Glen and Vee nearly piss themselves over how much they love Laura’s make up. It’s so lovely to hear.
Really Neville? What kind of criticism is “it could have been funnier”?
Between Eddie and Anime, I think we all know who’s going home.
Who would’ve thought that Anime would be the last newbie left??
To say that this episode has loomed over Season 5 is a bit of an understatement. Since the news first broke that Cory Montieth had died there was incredible pressure on the Glee writers to make his character’s departure work within the context of the show. There were early talks of mirroring Montieth’s real life over dose to make a statement about addiction, but the idea was quickly abandoned (hopefully because the writer’s realized that Season 3’s twist that Finn’s father was actually a drug addict and not a decorated war would make any drug abuse totally out of character). They instead chose not to focus on how he died, but rather the grief of those he left behind. Because I was out of town Thursday to Monday I wasn’t able to watch the episode live, but was unable to escape the buzz around it. It seemed almost universally positive (unusual for Glee) and I had high expectations for the episode. I certainly wasn’t disappointed, but as Rachel requested I’m not going to treat the show with kid gloves. Like all episodes of Glee somethings worked and somethings didn’t.
Things That Worked
– Limiting the newbies.
I understand that the newbies connected with Finn as a teacher, but let’s be real, the audience doesn’t care about that. What we do care about are the original characters and how they are coping with the death of their close friend. The writer’s innately understood that and the episode was much better because of it. I don’t think I could have handled Ryder crying over how Finn helped him realize he was dyslexic without throwing my shoe at the TV. Does that make me a bad person? Probably.
Pretty much the only time you saw the newbies. As it should be.
– Santana Dealing with Grief
Finn and Santana had a rather complicated past – she took his virginity, he forced her out of the closet – so there was no way that she could simply cry over his death and get over it. Instead she grieved true to character, by lashing out and lobbying insults. When she confronted Sue about her treatment of Finn, she was also projecting all the anger she had towards herself about her own treatment of Finn. Naya Rivera did an excellent job portraying Santana’s violent meltdown (though girl needs to eat a sandwich). I was very anti-Finn for much of Santana’s storyline (I mean he outed her to a hallway full of people, because she called him fat), but I thought they did a good job reconciling his faults with his underlying good intentions.
Santana projecting so much it hurts.
– Sue Dealing with Grief
Similar to Santana, Sue’s relationship with Finn was rocky. Her grief was right on character and Jane Lynch, as always played it perfectly.
– Kurt/Burt/Carole Scene
This entire scene killed me, but extra gold stars to Mike O’Malley and Romy Rosemont. I do wish they would stop downplaying Burt’s reaction to Finn’s initial homophobia, but otherwise the Burt monologue was spot on and O’Malley delivered it with the perfect amount of regret. Carole’s monologue broke my heart into a thousand pieces and then broke those pieces into a million more. I think the gif below speaks volumes.
– A touch of Rachel Berry
I think it was probably best for Lea Michele as a person that her participation was limited, but I think it also worked best for the episode. We know that Finn’s death will forever change Rachel. We will likely see the effects through the end of the show. It was much more interesting to see how Finn’s death affected the characters that he was less intertwined with. However, the amount that she was in the episode was perfect. I don’t know how she got through it, but it was painful to watch. I really hope this somehow helped her grieving process.
– Tina’s Grief Counseling Session
In an otherwise pretty serious episode, this was a lovely comedic break. Also, Tina continues to be the writer’s favorite human punching bag.
“I’m supposed to be mourning who? Did we date?”
Things That Didn’t Work
– Puck’s Storyline
I’m not sure if it was the writing or the acting that was to blame here. Puck’s storyline was the same basic idea of Santana and Sue, people grieve differently and sometimes they do destructive things, but this was just laughable. I actually laughed out loud when he was “drunk” and screaming at Beiste in the locker room. Also, it’s a little awkward that he decided to join the military as a result of Finn dying since Finn’s own Army attempt was a big old failure.
I started crying from laughing so hard at the bad acting in this scene.
– Beiste
Usually I’m a fan, but, like I said with Puck, everything about this was terrible. Bad acting. Bad writing. Just all around bad.
This gif makes it look much better than it actually was.
– Introduction to Rachel not coming
I respected that they established in the first five minutes that they were not talking about the cause of Finn’s death and that Rachel was not coming to Ohio (at least for the first part), but the weird blurry lenses-ed point of view shot made it seem like Rachel was drugged or something. They could have easily had Kurt stand outside the curtain or just shown him and not shown Rachel in bed. Small nitpick, but it bothered me nonetheless.
She’ll come when the drugs wear off.
– Mr. Schuster is an asshole.
I’ve always hated Mr. Schuster (he is weirdly obsessed with his students and he treats his OCD wife like crap, among many other things), but the jacket thing really takes the cake. The fact that he stole the jacket is pretty creepy in and of itself, but two things really push it over the edge to pissing me off. Firstly, he decides that Santana is unworthly of the jacket. Sure he doesn’t stay it out loud, but the fact that he stole it from her then told her to back off and go home when she was putting up Reward posters speaks volumes enough. Secondly, when everyone was accusing Puck of stealing the jacket Mr. Schuster didn’t defend him and then WHEN THEY WERE ALONE basically told Puck that he needed to give the jacket back, because it wasn’t his. Mr. Schuster knew Puck didn’t steal the jacket, because HE HAD STOLEN THE JACKET and yet he went out of his way, when they were alone, to make Puck feel like shit. Right after his best friend died. Way to be a great teacher and all around upstanding guy, Mr. Schu.
It’s that time of year again – time for skanky costumes, candy, pumpkin spice lattes, boots, The Haunted Mansion Holiday at Disneyland, crisp weather, crunchy leaves, and being terrified out of your mind in Haunted Houses. The Animal Style Hurricane team boasts an impressive knowledge and taste for Haunted Houses, Mazes, Scare Zones and Experiences. Does it come from braving these ghoulish and frightening places of horror? Or perhaps from us paying a yearly visit to the Scare Zones of various Amusement parks?
Hell no. We are Certified Chickens. Shit, there are movie trailers that give us nightmares (I’m looking at you, The Conjuring, and your stupid clapping game.) Jen and I have scoured the internet for spoilers, poopers, explanations, walk-throughs, behind-the-scenes videos, and TV specials covering every detail of these Horror Experiences. We are then able to watch from the comfort and safety of our own living rooms, under blankets, while Skyping with each other (so we’re not alone, duh) to critique and evaluate.
We’ve done this tradition ever since we met – having a fascination with Haunted Houses that were offered around New York City, but were way too scared to actually visit one. This brings us to our first annual Top 6 YouTube Horror Experience Walk Throughs. Jen and I have each picked 3 of our favorite walk throughs and bring them to the rest of you fellow chickens out there. So turn all the lights on, grab a blanket (and maybe a stuffed animal), snuggle up on your couch and let ASH bring you the best scares of the 2013 Halloween Season.
We’d like to say a special thank you to those awesome filmmakers who have made this list possible. We don’t know how you made these videos without jolting the camera once.
Village of the Damned – Queen Mary, Long Beach, CA
Sydney’s Pick – This haunted walk through gave a great variety of scares. I rather enjoyed the use of the outside space, using clotheslines hung with bloodied sheets as a way of utilizing the cover of darkness and the wind to trick victims – was that the wind or is someone there? I also liked the sudden change of scenery from the dark creepy corners to the stark white of the mentally unstable rooms. It gave you a chance to see the amount of work and detail that goes into creating this haunted house.
Cabin in the Woods – Universal Studio, Orlando, FL
*SPOILERS FOR CABIN IN THE WOODS BELOW*
Jen’s Pick – Full Disclosure: I am a huge giddy fan of the movie Cabin in the Woods, and, when I found out they were doing a house as part of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal this year, I almost bought a ticket. Sadly, the rational adult part of my brain caught up before I made any rash purchases so I must satisfy myself with a YouTube walk through. If I’m honest with myself I wouldn’t have actually made it into the park much less through the house, but the movie was just so damn good. The walk through is really well done. (Inside the Magic really is a pro and you should subscribe to his page if you haven’t already.) I loved the set up: the events of the movie have happened, the ceremony has failed and you are walking through the wreckage. The details are insane from Jules’ decapitated body as you approach the cabin to the dismembered by trowel remains of a Buckner in the elevator. They went all out and they got it right. All of your favorites are there from Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain and the Sugar Plum Fairy to the Doll Masks and the Surgeons. If you can brave Haunted Houses and can make it out Orlando GO, if not then do what I did and watch the video six times.
Forevermore Maze – Knott’s Scary Farm, Buena Vista, CA
Sydney’s Pick – I really enjoyed this maze, and not just because I’m an English Literature Major. They used Poe’s writing as a jumping off point for original sets and costumes, paying close attention to details and conveying an actual mood. The lighting is fantastic – I hate it when haunted houses just put you in the dark with no established ambiance, it’s boring and unoriginal (and we can’t see anything in the YouTube video). The props all made sense and the costumes kept the foreboding image of the Raven throughout the entire maze. The white bird masks kinda reminded me of Eyes Wide Shut…now that would be quite the walk through experience.
Evil Dead – Universal Studios, Orlando, FL
Jen’s Pick – I actually watched both the Orlando and the California versions of the Evil Dead Haunted House and found the Orlando one to be vastly superior. I loved the close up details of the Necronominon as you approach the cabin. Again there are great details in the recreation. The first scare actually made me jump. The actors seem very close which allows for some very clear line readings (or perhaps they were playing those over a sound system, I’m not 100% sure) that accentuate the experience.
Haunted Mansion – Walt Disney World, Orlando, FL
Sydney’s Pick – This (lengthy) video captures every detail of the Haunted Mansion in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World. It’s much longer than any of the other videos on the list (it runs about 45 min, but I warned you), but it looks at the outside architecture, in-line details, tombstone engravings, hallway wallpaper, lighting fixtures and the happy haunts themselves. Since I live in California, I get to appreciate Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion whenever the Husband allows me to run wild in the park. It might not be frightening, but it is a haunted house and is a great look at an attraction that pays attention to the little things.
Insidious – Universal Studios, Studio City, CA
Jen’s Pick – The first scare of this house is very lame, but I promise it gets better from there! There are plenty of creepy half naked actors made up like demons to give you nightmares for a week. I heartily approve of their use of scrims to create the Further’s atmosphere. I also hate/love the use of live actors hidden among mannequins.
Despite the fact that we are certified chickens, we here at Animal Style Hurricane absolutely love American Horror Story. The fact that this season is set in New Orleans is just the icing on the extremely disturbing and likely poisoned cake for me. I’ve been counting down the days till the premiere and now here it is!
We open on Madame LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), one of my favorite New Orleans legends.
At first she seems like a typical lady of the 1800’s, obsessed with social position and finding her daughters suitable husbands. However, her batshit insanity begins to show as we cut to a post party shot of her nightly beauty routine – smearing blood on her face to maintain her youth. The ritual is interrupted by her husband, who informs her that their daughter slept with a slave. Despite the fact that the daughter came onto him, the slave is taken to the LaLaurie’s torture attic. He is not the first one there. We see a slave whose mouth and eyes she has sewn shut and another whose skin has been peeled back from her face. What’s incredible is that this is based in actual fact and is not even the worst of what she did to people. As punishment for this slave, she makes him into a minotaur. It’s as disturbing as it sounds.
In present day, Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) is about to lose her virginity to her boyfriend (who is played by someone I went to high school with. Good job, Kurt Krause!) and ends up accidentally killing him. Turns out she’s a witch and her power is the ability to sex people to death.
Her mom ships her off to a New Orleans mini-version of Hogwarts, escorted by three albinos and a combination of Grace Coddington and Andy Warhol. After a hazing prank, she is introduced to Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), a movie star who taught her director the meaning of hitting your mark with her telekinetic powers, Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), a human voodoo doll, Nan (Jamie Brewer), a clairvoyant, and their extremely lame headmistress Cordelia (Sarah Paulson), whose power seems to be that she is really good as Chemistry.
Zoe and Madison head out to a frat party where Zoe meets Kyle (Evan Peters), and Madison is gang raped by Kyle’s frat brothers. This is far and away the most difficult scene to watch in the whole episode. Kyle stops the rape and everyone loads back onto the bus. Zoe chases after fruitlessly, but Madison sad and broken wanders onto the street and flips the bus with flick of her wrist, killing all but two on board.
Meanwhile in LA (as played by The National WWII Museum), Fiona (Jessica Lange) visits a Doctor about getting stem cells to maintain her youth. Unfortunately for him, the medicine doesn’t work to her satisfaction and she sucks the youth out of him.
After seeing a report of a girl burned at the stake in Louisiana (I’m assuming this will come back later considering the girl is played by Lily Rabe and her power is necromancing), she decides her daughter is doing a shitty job and she needs to take over the academy. Naturally, Cordelia is less than thrilled and gains some major brownie points from me for immediately trying to poison her mom.
Fiona takes the girls on a field trip where they get side tracked by the LaLaurie mansion. Here we learn that in her pursuit of slave pancreas to maintain her youth, LaLaurie managed to piss off the famous Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau (Angela Basset). As any good New Orleans girl knows you don’t fuck with Voodoo. Laveau then tricked her into drinking poison that presumably killed her, but her body was never found. This isn’t actually how it all played out (bitch got away with it and died a free lady in Paris in her sixties), but it makes for a better story. Also, Voodoo is scary shit.
Zoe goes to the hospital to see if Kyle was one of the two frat boys to survive the crash, but sadly he was not. However, the gross frat boy who started the gang rape did survive so Zoe sexes him to death. Girl power?
Earlier in the courtyard of the LaLaurie home, Other girl heard the lady of the house so Jessica Lange gets two gentlemen to dig up the courtyard. They find LaLaurie alive and well and now a member of the 21st century, which is absolutely terrifying.
This was a great set up episode to what looks to be a really strong season. It was creepy and campy with some really funny lines. I was left satisfied, but wanting more.
The season preview looks incredible. I can only hope that we’ll get more crazy LaLaurie, more bitchy lines, a bloody satisfying death for Patti LuPone’s character and a better power for Zoe. Can’t wait till next week!
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