An Open Letter to Ryan Murphy re: Glee Season 5

Dear Mr. Murphy,

Hello!  I was hoping we could have a chat about Season 5 of Glee.  Well not so much a chat I suppose since this is a letter, but more of a one-sided conversation where I tell you my unsolicited opinion.  This is the internet after all.  Firstly, I’d like to say that I think we are moving in the right direction.  We’ve gotten more into the New York storyline.  We’ve added characters there even though so far they’re all limited-arc guest stars.  We’ve started up a great friendship dynamic between Santana, Kurt and Rachel that is fun to watch and ripe with storylines that can be explored!  Our progress, however, seems to be lagging.  Especially in these past few episodes.  I mean I couldn’t even muster up the rage that I expected to be seething with after hearing that you were having a teacher perform “Blurred Lines” with his students.

This is most definitely not appropriate.

I read once somewhere that the show was originally intended to be just about the highschool Glee club with Mr. Shue and Sue as the only consistent characters to a revolving door of students.  I don’t know if that’s true, though I can see elements of it in what you have going on now.  The problem is: people don’t care about the New Directions.  People don’t care if the New Directions win Nationals.  People wanted Rachel and Kurt and Santana and Artie and Brittany and Quinn and all the other specific characters to win Nationals.  And they did.  They won Nationals and now that storyline is over.  I don’t care if they win it again.  Now I want to know what happened to all of the characters I fell in love with after they won Nationals and graduated.

And please no more puppets.

I realize it puts you in a bit of a difficult position, because half of your characters are still in school, but let’s speed the year along and graduate them already!  There is no need to stretch a boring storyline over two full seasons.  I’m going to be frank with you.  The new characters (except for Unique) don’t work.  They are generic caricatures and their storylines are boring.  Glee takes so many long breaks that it sometimes feels like multiple seasons within a season.  Set up graduation as a finale before one of these breaks and then jump forward in time a bit.  Flush yourself of the characters and storylines that are dragging you down and jump headfirst into the exciting and wonderful world that is New York in your early 20’s.

Especially if you are gay and sassy.

There was so much talk before Season 4 about how revolutionary the new setup was going to be.  Sadly, it was just talk.  There is only a season and half left of the show.  Do something revolutionary now.  Flip the show on its head and make it better.  I believe in you.

Truth.

Sincerely,

Jen

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American Horror Story – Episode 7 – Three’s Company

I know this is a bit late, as both Jen and I have been swamped recently. However, I got around to watching it last night and was left with more awkward feelings than a 13 year old boy in a Victoria’s Secret.

 

Not so much…

Zoe trying to shoot Franken-Kyle

Jeez, I hope Zoe is not the next Supreme because then they’re all fucked. First, Zoe makes the choice to go shoot Franken-Kyle, which I agreed was the best idea. The poor kid didn’t ask to come back, he’s tortured by a body that isn’t his, was molested by his mother, killed her like a gorilla, and can’t communicate anything. Suddenly, Kyle grabs the gun and puts it in his mouth – he’s going to end it himself – when Zoe gets all noble and stops him. He’s not a dog! You can’t keep him as a pet!

can we keep him

The Axeman, General Creep

Can the Axeman be any creepier? The entire sequence of him watching Fiona grow up has made me paranoid to change clothes in my own bedroom.

creeper

Zoe/Madison/Kyle Threeway

I get the Madison and Kyle “we’re both dead” connection, but what’s with dragging Zoe into it? Has Zoe become the leader of the formerly dead people? Does that mean the only people Zoe can have sex with is people who were already dead?

use it lose it

Love it!

Cordelia ordering Fiona to be killed

Cordelia’s blindness comes with a side of confidence, and she has gone from nurturing Miss Honey to no nonsense Miss Trumble (Matilda reference, FYI). She’s directly ordered for her own mother to be killed, which is a great way to try and repair that mother-daughter relationship. With Fiona losing her powers (and hair), I don’t think she’ll be able to stop this tidal wave of hatred coming her way.

off with his head

Zoe killing Spalding after getting him to confess to Fiona murdering Madison

Finally, something Zoe didn’t screw up. Spalding needed to be dealt with, and I liked that she not only found out that Fiona was guilty, she stuck with the decision of killing him off.

 

Baby steps, Zoe.

Baby steps, Zoe.

Kathy Bates being turned into Marie Lavoe

The character of LaLaurie is used so well in this series – Ryan Murphy will only let you forget her atrocities for a moment…then slap you in the face with a dead baby. There’s something you can’t unsee. What better way for her character to face the things she’s done by being tortured by her greatest enemy? I don’t think we know half of the terrible things LaLaurie’s done, and I hope her direct contact with Marie reveals more.

apology

Doctor Who Dat Nation

Saints vs. Falcons in the same week as the 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who! What more can a New Orleans Girl ask for?

American Horror Story – Episode 6 Recap – Breaking Stevie

Let’s get straight to the jazz –

 

Not So Much…

 The terrible acting of the 1919 witches

Ouch. Their delivery felt like pulling teeth – painful and that I should be sedated to experience it. Although their Cesar murder of the Axeman was a nice touch, it still did not make up for the bad delivery.

 

Ouija Board game night

I thought they were witches, not having a sleepover. The use of the Ouija Board was boring and not of the caliber I’ve come to expect of the AHS series. Before you know it, they’ll be doing each other’s make up and gossiping about boy’s haircuts (is that what the teens talk about nowadays?)

 

Lily Rabe’s “Cajun” accent

Jen texted me about this before I even had a chance to watch the episode. It sounds closer to Jodie Foster’s Nell (chicapay nay nay…in the wind)

 

Naked Kyle

Poor Evan Peters got the short straw on this season. He’s been molested, Frankenstiened, and now he’s breaking stuff while naked. That made me nervous as a person.

 

 

Love it!

New (and improved) Cordelia

Lost her sight, gained some in-sight! I’m loving her new swagger, especially when that swagger had her caning Hank in the balls. She demands chrysanthemums, opens and closes doors with her mind, and is a force to be reckoned with. Can we keep her this way forever?

 

Bringing back Madison

Having Lily Rabe bring back Madison made me happy. At least one witch is using her powers nicely. And having Madison ask for a cigarette right away stayed true to character.

 

Kaylee setting her fiance on fire

I liked her powers, and kinda wish she would’ve pursued being a witch longer. Plus, she lit a wussy dude on fire with her eyes. They made her character very shallow, and easy to shoot in the head, much like her other characters.

 

Marie Lavoe’s rage

“When I plant a fat ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted.” Enough said.

Gleefully Apathetic – Season 5 – Episode 4

Two years ago, I would have been counting down the days till Glee was back on the air.  I would have excitedly planned a dinner themed to the episode and snuggled in with my best gay.  I would have rewatched all my favorite parts and followed the episode with some Glee karaoke.  And it would have been glorious.  As it stands now, I was pleasantly surprised to see Glee taping on my DVR tonight, though that quickly faded during the “Here’s What You Missed on Glee…” recap.  There was maybe one thing that I cared about in the entire montage(Kurt’s band) and even that was a maybe. My plan was to write up a similar article to what I’ve done in the past (a list of what worked and what didn’t work), but this episode was so bad that it wasn’t even worth that.  There were maybe three funny jokes and all of the songs were either boring or just weird.  I did feel bad for Lea Michele.  Though limited in use, the few scenes she was on it seemed a bit like she wasn’t ready to be back.  Let the girl grieve, Ryan Murphy!

Anyway, I am a Gleek and will forever be a Gleek.  I will watch this show until it gets cancelled, but the truth of the matter is that this episode was downright bad and that is not okay for a return episode in an already down season.  I’ve heard rumor that they will be expanding the New York portion of the show and dumping the high school.  Honestly, that can not come fast enough.  The high school portion of the show has long outstayed it’s welcome.  The music numbers are garish and boring, the storylines are convoluted and boring, the acting is stilted and boring.  (I think you can see where I’m going with this.)

What Glee needs, what is has always needed was to stop and focus on the characters.  To do that it first needs to cut a whole bunch of them (I’m looking at you Marley, Jake, Kitty, Ryder, Tina, Sam and Unique) and perhaps do a time jump.  Let’s get the few interesting characters from the high school version out of Lima and into New York.  Then let’s focus on what it’s like to be a theatre geek in your early 20’s in New York.  It is a unique fun and interesting experience.  Let’s see it!  Though one thing to note – just because they can sing and dance doesn’t mean they all need to be actors on Broadway.  Let’s get some (organic) variety up in this place when it comes to career paths.  Also, please send Kurt back to the fashion world.  Enough with my rant, but after seeing the preview for next week my expectations are very low.  (Mr. Shue singing Blurred Lines with the kids, are you kidding me?)

American Horror Story – Episode 5 – Burn, Baby, Burn

My favorite time of week is here again!  American Horror Story has made Wednesdays delightful and Laura’s well-deserved win yesterday (TEAM LAURA!!!!) has put me in an excellent mood.  So let’s get cracking, shall we?

WTF Moments

  • NOOOOOO SARAH PAULSON’S FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come on, Ryan Murphy, seeing Sarah Paulson in silk blouses, pencil skirts and pearls was such a treat after her drab outfits for the majority of last season!  Why do we have to scar her beautiful face?  At least now she can see how gross and lame her husband is.

  • The Seediest Hospital in all of New Orleans

What the hell was up with that hospital?  Having been to a few hospitals in New Orleans, I can say with 100% authority that all the lights work regularly, there aren’t boil-covered weirdos wandering the halls and they don’t leave bleeding mothers alone in their rooms with their still-born babies.  Well at least not all of them.

  • Zoe’s Outfits

Who the hell styles this girl?  Why does she have so many hats?  Once she becomes the supreme will her sense of style get better?  Is that one of the seven wonders?  Please.

Favorite Moments

  • LaLaurie’s Chamber of Horrors

Oh how truly despicable 1880’s LaLaurie is.  She is downright evil even to her own children, but Kathy Bates does an incredible job making 2013 LaLaurie sympathetic and actually almost likeable.  She is clearly a woman who spent 200 years in a box thinking about what she did.  I know I fangirled out last episode too, but I can’t get over what an amazing job she’s doing.  Bravo, Ms. Bates!  Let’s get you another Emmy before we talk about the Grammy and Tony that’ll round out your EGOT.

  • Zoe channels Ash

I’ve had a feeling that Zoe was the next Supreme (as was heavily implied in this episode) since the beginning, and, for the most part, I am not on board.  However, when she showed up with that chainsaw and started mowing down zombies with a ferocity that would make Bruce Campbell’s chin quiver with pride, I may have cheered a bit.  Let’s continue on this character development path, please.

  • Myrtle Snow Burns

Maybe it’s just Frances Conroy’s stint on this horrible season of How I Met Your Mother, but I was happy to see her burn.  The weirdly upbeat music didn’t help. My favorite part of this storyline though, was the twist that Fiona framed her using Queenie’s human voodoo doll gift.  Inspired writing.

  • Nobody really dies on this show…well except for Madison

I was hoping that Madison Montgomery would make a comeback (perhaps via Lily Rabe’s Stevie Nicks loving Cajun necromancer like Myrtle Snow), but I have to say I totally loved the moment with Spaulding where her arm came off.  I’m not sure if it’s building to something bigger or if it’s just a funny gag, but I’m looking forward to it popping up at least a couple more times before season’s end.

Face Off Finale – For The Win

Ok, even the beginning shots made me extremely excited – LAURA!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! GO FIGHT WIN!!!!

Excited Elf

I will say that Roy and his wife are extremely adorable. Laura seems to be in such a better place this season – she’s enjoying her work and her time in the competition instead of being homesick and distracted.

 

Final Challenge:

Create the maiden transforming into a swan and the evil sorcerer for the ballet Swan Lake. However, each pair must also take inspiration from a specific era. The results are:

 

Italian Renaissance – Laura (teamed with Miranda and Eddie)

Industrial Revolution – Tate (teamed with Alana and Lima)

Ming Dynasty – Roy (teamed with Frank and Scott, an amazing team to watch try to discuss ballet)

 

This final review will be all random thoughts:

 

Now that they aren’t competing, I think Laura working with Miranda will produce some amazing sculpt work.

Bitches

Tate, they are ballet dancers, not Muppets.

failing kermit

Top moment: Roy, Scott and Frank staring at a blank page in an attempt to brainstorm ballet dancer ideas.

Mark Walhberg confused

Was Alana eating the mold? Why is it all over her face?

mr bean eating

I want to wear that GORGEOUS pearl choker Laura put on her Swan. Fuck, that shit is beautiful.

I-Want-One-Tony-Stark-In-Iron-Man-2-Gif

Team Roy with their matching cowboy hats – too much adorable.

On_wednesdays_we_wear_pink

Glenn’s second skin is velvet. He’s like Prince’s creepy older Goth brother.

Prince

I’m still not a fan of Tate’s Swan hand thing. Or the creepy man standing next to the Swan.

school is for fools

Damn you commercials!!!!

nooooooo_luke_skywalker

And the winner is…

hyperventilate

 

LAURA!!!!!!

Excited Jeremy-Renner Excited asian childrencharlotte

 

What a crazy season. All of the contestants did an amazing job and having the return of the veterans made us really invested in the entire run of the show. I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to watch the next season (starting already in January), but we’ll see.

hercules-quotes-4

 

A Letter to Laura:

Laura,

Since you first stepped onto Face Off, you have inspired us here at Animal Style Hurricane. Your creativity, talent and overall loveliness in everything you do has made us proud members of Team Laura. Thank you for giving us someone to cheer for who has consistently produced amazing works of art with a positive attitude to match. You absolutely deserved this win, and we can’t wait to see your future work.

Forever Team Laura!

Jen and Sydney

American Horror Story – Episode 4 – Cat Got Your Tongue

I worry with Ryan Murphy shows.  Don’t get me wrong I’m a huge Ryan Murphy fan.  Last year, when The New Normal was on, my wife and I used to watch the Ryan Murphy trifecta.  However, his shows tend to get a little…muddy around the middle.  That being said I am happy to report that as of Episode 4 Coven continues to be one of the best shows on TV.  Tonight’s episode was just as strong if not stronger than the past three and from the looks of the preview things are only going to get better!

WTF Moments:

  • Cordelia’s husband is a serial killer?

I felt a range of emotions during the scene with Cordelia’s husband (what’s his name? Frank?) – first I was horrified that anyone would cheat on Sarah Paulson then excited to see Alexandra Breckenridge then disgusted by the extremely intense sex scene (boys are gross) then bored then shocked and delighted.  What’s his deal?  Is he a serial killer?  Is he a warlock?  Why is he so lame?  Why do we care?  Okay, I’m kind of invested.  Now don’t let me down.

  • Spaulding cuts out his own tongue!

I think everyone saw this coming, but it doesn’t make it any less well executed.  I hope we get to see more as to why Spaulding loves Fiona.

  • Cordelia acid face?

NO, SARAH PAULSON’S PRETTY FACE!!!

Favorite Moments:

  • Zombies!

Zombies are the flavor of the moment, but I think that they are integrated here in a new and really organic way.  I very much enjoyed the zombies tearing those racist assholes limb from limb in the cold open and the reveal of LaLaurie’s three daughters at the door was just perfect.

  • Madison is not the next supreme!

Again, I think we all saw this one coming, but I liked the way it was revealed.  I was kind of hoping that Cordelia was the next supreme and that she would kick her mother’s ass, but I think the mention of the supreme being picture perfect health has put a fork in that.  I’m really hoping it’s not Zoe, because, while I am fully in support of her having more powers than just the power to sex people to death, I think she’s totally lame.

  • Kathy Bates

I love everything about Kathy Bates’ performance.  She makes LaLaurie surprisingly sympathetic, while still pretty horrible.  Also, the “stuck in the wrong generation” stuff that could be overdone in less skilled hands comes off as natural and funny.  She better get an Emmy nomination.

  • Madison the living doll!

Oh Spaulding, you creepy bastard.  I hope this actually factors into the plot and isn’t just a random one-off reveal.

Face Off – Episode 12 Recap – Birds of a Feather

The end is in sight – four contestants remain, but only three spots are open for the finals.

 

Spotlight Challenge:

The artists must create a human-bird hybrid. This seems like something that’s hiding in my closet, waiting for me to fall asleep.

 

Tate sculpts a massive head/chest/arms/torso piece that already looks like bad news. Laura goes for an old age/cockatoo make up that actually looks really cool. The mouth on that thing doesn’t look akward.

 

Miranda takes her sweet time sculpting, watching everyone else head off to the mold room. Roy’s gigantic chest mold falls and cracks. He gives it some country lovin’ and hopes for the best.

 

Miranda is behind once again. However, she refrains from employing the model to finish the job for her. Roy is surprisingly behind as well, leaving the sculpting room with a model with little make up on.

 

Oh wait, I was wrong. Miranda’s model paints his own hands.

 

Also, did Mackenzie run out of one shoulder dresses?

 

 

Top Look: Laura’s Cuddly Cockatoo

It looks so fluffy and adorable, I want to snuggle with it.

snuggle

 

Bottom Look: Miranda’s Grey Bird

It looks like something the cat threw up.

puke

Judge’s Choice: Tate’s Weird Turkey

It just made me uncomfortable.

ew

2nd Person in the Finals: LAURA!!!!! WAHOO!!!!

toonatic figaro kisses cleo

 

3rd Person in Finals: Roy

Greatly deserved too.

meg approves

Eliminated: Miranda

Only Will Smith can express my true feelings.

running_man

 

Alright Team Laura, it’s time to rally because our girl needs us!  GO LAURA!!!

cheering

 

 

American Horror Story – Episode 3 – No Touchie Touchie

I’m going to make it short and sweet here.  I was definitely scarred for life by the amount of sexual situations (whether or not it was great moment) there were.  It had some good – strike that, great – moments that made up for all of those confusing sexual messages.

WTF Moments:

Queenie’s attempt to seduce the Minotaur

I’m starting to think Ryan Murphy thinks every woman has the superpower of sex. Not implying sex, or being sexual. I mean just start touching themselves and everything goes the way women want it to. I understand that Queenie thinks she can reach the Minotaur by relating to him as a monster, a creature that isn’t normal. But the second she pulled up her dress, I thought “Really, Murphy? That’s the only way she’s going to try to connect to this monster?” Right then did not seem like a particularly opportune time to start masturbating.

regret

Kyle’s Mom molesting him

Jen and I have this theory about American Horror Story that the most horrible things that happen on the show have nothing to do with the supernatural. It’s the normal people around us that we should be afraid of. This is one of those terrifying moments. I got suspicious when she cried that she “wanted to hold him one more time.” It became horrible when she molested him. It quickly turned into W.T.F. when she revealed that she had been molesting him for a long time.

disgust

Favorite Moments:

Kathy Bates crying over Barack Obama/Being made Queenie’s slave

I don’t think Kathy Bates has made me laugh this hard since The Waterboy. I love their use of her old world ideals as a way to torture her. She’s not babied or treated kindly because of her ignorance of present day social rules. They don’t slowly introduce her to what’s changed since she “died.” Instead, she’s made Queenie’s slave. Brilliant.

yesss

Jessica Lange killing the crap out of Emma Roberts

Let’s be honest with ourselves, we all wanted to see Emma Roberts get smacked around ever since she smacked around her boyfriend (yeah, remember that tabloid story?) I love this because it solidifies Jessica Lange’s Supreme Witch as the selfish royal bitch she’s been parading herself around as. Each character she’s played in the American Horror Story series has had similar characteristics – all knowing, ulterior motives, a rocking wardrobe. However, she’s always had a hint of morality. This particular character is so concerned with her own goals and position of power, it makes her a fabulous villain.

fabulous

Kyle smashing his molesting mom’s face in with a trophy

After being disgusted with her, it was satisfying to see Kyle/Frankenstein wake up and not be subjected to that shit anymore. It was an appropriate death for a character that caused so much pain. I also liked that they showed not only the aftermath (where her face was so caved in that it looked like a candy dish), they also showed Kyle/Frankenstein covered in her blood.

smash