American Horror Story – Episode 4 – Cat Got Your Tongue

I worry with Ryan Murphy shows.  Don’t get me wrong I’m a huge Ryan Murphy fan.  Last year, when The New Normal was on, my wife and I used to watch the Ryan Murphy trifecta.  However, his shows tend to get a little…muddy around the middle.  That being said I am happy to report that as of Episode 4 Coven continues to be one of the best shows on TV.  Tonight’s episode was just as strong if not stronger than the past three and from the looks of the preview things are only going to get better!

WTF Moments:

  • Cordelia’s husband is a serial killer?

I felt a range of emotions during the scene with Cordelia’s husband (what’s his name? Frank?) – first I was horrified that anyone would cheat on Sarah Paulson then excited to see Alexandra Breckenridge then disgusted by the extremely intense sex scene (boys are gross) then bored then shocked and delighted.  What’s his deal?  Is he a serial killer?  Is he a warlock?  Why is he so lame?  Why do we care?  Okay, I’m kind of invested.  Now don’t let me down.

  • Spaulding cuts out his own tongue!

I think everyone saw this coming, but it doesn’t make it any less well executed.  I hope we get to see more as to why Spaulding loves Fiona.

  • Cordelia acid face?

NO, SARAH PAULSON’S PRETTY FACE!!!

Favorite Moments:

  • Zombies!

Zombies are the flavor of the moment, but I think that they are integrated here in a new and really organic way.  I very much enjoyed the zombies tearing those racist assholes limb from limb in the cold open and the reveal of LaLaurie’s three daughters at the door was just perfect.

  • Madison is not the next supreme!

Again, I think we all saw this one coming, but I liked the way it was revealed.  I was kind of hoping that Cordelia was the next supreme and that she would kick her mother’s ass, but I think the mention of the supreme being picture perfect health has put a fork in that.  I’m really hoping it’s not Zoe, because, while I am fully in support of her having more powers than just the power to sex people to death, I think she’s totally lame.

  • Kathy Bates

I love everything about Kathy Bates’ performance.  She makes LaLaurie surprisingly sympathetic, while still pretty horrible.  Also, the “stuck in the wrong generation” stuff that could be overdone in less skilled hands comes off as natural and funny.  She better get an Emmy nomination.

  • Madison the living doll!

Oh Spaulding, you creepy bastard.  I hope this actually factors into the plot and isn’t just a random one-off reveal.

Face Off – Episode 12 Recap – Birds of a Feather

The end is in sight – four contestants remain, but only three spots are open for the finals.

 

Spotlight Challenge:

The artists must create a human-bird hybrid. This seems like something that’s hiding in my closet, waiting for me to fall asleep.

 

Tate sculpts a massive head/chest/arms/torso piece that already looks like bad news. Laura goes for an old age/cockatoo make up that actually looks really cool. The mouth on that thing doesn’t look akward.

 

Miranda takes her sweet time sculpting, watching everyone else head off to the mold room. Roy’s gigantic chest mold falls and cracks. He gives it some country lovin’ and hopes for the best.

 

Miranda is behind once again. However, she refrains from employing the model to finish the job for her. Roy is surprisingly behind as well, leaving the sculpting room with a model with little make up on.

 

Oh wait, I was wrong. Miranda’s model paints his own hands.

 

Also, did Mackenzie run out of one shoulder dresses?

 

 

Top Look: Laura’s Cuddly Cockatoo

It looks so fluffy and adorable, I want to snuggle with it.

snuggle

 

Bottom Look: Miranda’s Grey Bird

It looks like something the cat threw up.

puke

Judge’s Choice: Tate’s Weird Turkey

It just made me uncomfortable.

ew

2nd Person in the Finals: LAURA!!!!! WAHOO!!!!

toonatic figaro kisses cleo

 

3rd Person in Finals: Roy

Greatly deserved too.

meg approves

Eliminated: Miranda

Only Will Smith can express my true feelings.

running_man

 

Alright Team Laura, it’s time to rally because our girl needs us!  GO LAURA!!!

cheering

 

 

American Horror Story – Episode 3 – No Touchie Touchie

I’m going to make it short and sweet here.  I was definitely scarred for life by the amount of sexual situations (whether or not it was great moment) there were.  It had some good – strike that, great – moments that made up for all of those confusing sexual messages.

WTF Moments:

Queenie’s attempt to seduce the Minotaur

I’m starting to think Ryan Murphy thinks every woman has the superpower of sex. Not implying sex, or being sexual. I mean just start touching themselves and everything goes the way women want it to. I understand that Queenie thinks she can reach the Minotaur by relating to him as a monster, a creature that isn’t normal. But the second she pulled up her dress, I thought “Really, Murphy? That’s the only way she’s going to try to connect to this monster?” Right then did not seem like a particularly opportune time to start masturbating.

regret

Kyle’s Mom molesting him

Jen and I have this theory about American Horror Story that the most horrible things that happen on the show have nothing to do with the supernatural. It’s the normal people around us that we should be afraid of. This is one of those terrifying moments. I got suspicious when she cried that she “wanted to hold him one more time.” It became horrible when she molested him. It quickly turned into W.T.F. when she revealed that she had been molesting him for a long time.

disgust

Favorite Moments:

Kathy Bates crying over Barack Obama/Being made Queenie’s slave

I don’t think Kathy Bates has made me laugh this hard since The Waterboy. I love their use of her old world ideals as a way to torture her. She’s not babied or treated kindly because of her ignorance of present day social rules. They don’t slowly introduce her to what’s changed since she “died.” Instead, she’s made Queenie’s slave. Brilliant.

yesss

Jessica Lange killing the crap out of Emma Roberts

Let’s be honest with ourselves, we all wanted to see Emma Roberts get smacked around ever since she smacked around her boyfriend (yeah, remember that tabloid story?) I love this because it solidifies Jessica Lange’s Supreme Witch as the selfish royal bitch she’s been parading herself around as. Each character she’s played in the American Horror Story series has had similar characteristics – all knowing, ulterior motives, a rocking wardrobe. However, she’s always had a hint of morality. This particular character is so concerned with her own goals and position of power, it makes her a fabulous villain.

fabulous

Kyle smashing his molesting mom’s face in with a trophy

After being disgusted with her, it was satisfying to see Kyle/Frankenstein wake up and not be subjected to that shit anymore. It was an appropriate death for a character that caused so much pain. I also liked that they showed not only the aftermath (where her face was so caved in that it looked like a candy dish), they also showed Kyle/Frankenstein covered in her blood.

smash

Ravenswood – It’s Super Serious

What the hell did I just watch? It was an hour of weird baths, forced smiles, creepy uncles, and strange walks down (always) misty roads. I’m confused on the (slightly incestuous) relationship between a brother and a sister, enough Blue Steel poses to shame Zoolander, and the extreme intensity of that kid from Independence Day.

And you thought I wouldn't recognize you.

And you thought I wouldn’t recognize you.

First of all, everyone took themselves WAY too seriously. Even the jokes were serious. The entire episode felt like everyone was expecting to die every time they turned around. If they weren’t about to die, Creepy Uncle acted like death itself. However, he runs the local funeral parlor, so it’s supposed to be fitting.

Nosferatu

The scares were also pretty PG, except for kid from Independence Day taking a bath and almost gets suffocated by the shower curtain. He was also much more naked than I expected him to be on ABC Family. There was also some weird pale witch who had terrible hair and gray skin (which was poorly applied, says the girl who watches waaaaay too much Face Off). She appears mainly to distract the characters like cat gets distracted with a laser pointer – they keep trying to catch her, but can never pin her down.

cat laser

All of the families have suffered some kind of tragedy – depression, loss of a parent, terrible hairstyles. I don’t know how much more sadness they can try to cram down our throats. Yes, sad things happen. Yes, you’re all terrible at acting. Yes, maybe there’s a curse about the things you’re creepily talking about right before the 5 main characters drive off a bridge into the river. What I’m actually sad about is that whole hour I’ll never get back. I could’ve used it to watch something good – like Breaking Bad.

Bryan Cranston, you can do no wrong.

Bryan Cranston, you can do no wrong.

Pretty Little Liars – Grave New World

I would have to say out of the hours upon hours of television that I watch, my number one guilty pleasure would have to be Pretty Little Liars.  I find the show smart, funny and just the perfect amount of convoluted.  I’ve been a big mystery nerd my entire life.  Agatha Christie was my favorite author from elementary school on, and my favorite Babysitter’s Club books were the Babysitter’s Mysteries (I had all of them).  Pretty Little Liars speaks to that part of me.   I love the hints and clues, and I’m pretty good at picking up on things.  For example, I totally called *SPOILER ALERT* that Ezra was A or at least on Team A.  Assuming they don’t eventually pull a Toby, it also gave me mad respect for the show’s writers.  (They’ve literally be giving us clues since the beginning if you go back and look!)  Anyway, without further ado here were some of my favorite moments from the Halloween episode, as well as some delightfully ridiculous ones.

  • When the girls first appeared in their Edwardian gear I could not believe how ridiculous they looked.  Mostly because of the hats.  But seriously, Edwardian is such a weirdly specific theme.

Seriously, what are these hats?

  • I think the writers are trying to make it clear that Ezra isn’t going to be a red herring or a double agent like Toby.  It was especially evident in the moment where Ezra calls Aria.  As a viewer, you can clearly see that the dynamic has changed and it’s a bit unsettling.  That being said I totally love it.

Oh just wait.

  • Creepy red twins!  These were a bit of a let down when they were finally revealed (just regular old citizens of Ravenswood).  It would have been so much better had they been a cameo by the creepy ghost twins from past Halloween episodes.

So creepy.

  • Poor Emily always seems to get the short end of the stick.  Of course, she is the one first confronted by Grundlewald.  Of course, she’s almost cut in half by a jagged glass window.  Give the gay a break!

  • When the four Liars are bantering together I get giddy.  So well written.  Also, Spencer and Hannah please don’t ever change.

Oh shut up, you totally are.

  • Oh Ali.  Just your typical zombie/ghost friend disappearing through hidden doors in a tomb.

  • HANNA GETS REPLACED BY A STATUE!  This one I was actually surprised by.  Also how was Hanna the one who kept her hat the longest?  Probably because it was shoved so far on her head she couldn’t see past the brim.

  • RATS!  God that was the worst part of the whole episode.  Can’t handle it.  Poor Hanna.

  • What the hell was with the weird alien things outside of the phone booth?  But Ali’s face and DoughboyEzra showing up afterward were totally freaky.

  • Okay, writers, you know I love you, but stop trying to make Ravenswood happen on Pretty Little Liars.  I’m planning on watching the damn show in minutes.  Please don’t take away time from the main PLL storyline to give us backstory on this weird hobo girl.  Seriously the time spent with Miranda made me not want to watch the damn show.

But not today, because you’ve put me off of it. Look for a Ravenswood review on Friday.

  • I loved Spencer beating the shit out of DoughboyEzra and ALMOST unmasking him.  I also love that he seems to have seriously contemplated killing her.  I wonder why he didn’t.

  • Come on guys did we really not think that was a recording of Ali’s voice.

  • Best moment of the episode:

Spencer: “One of us knows how to change a tire right?”
Emily: “Are you looking at me cause I’m gay?”

So gay.

  • Really?  Hanna is going to ask Caleb to stay in Ravenswood?  No just no.

  • Ezra picking up the girls was perfect.  Everything he does now is suspicious.  But how did he drive all the way back to Rosewood without exposing his cut hand?

  • And the biggest non-surprise of all – Ali is alive.

The countdown is on for January!  In the meantime, I’ll get over my apathy and get to reviewing Ravenswood.  Let’s hope it fill the void until 4B.

Face Off – Episode 11 Recap – Brought to you by Thor: The Dark World

Foundation Challenge:

No foundation challenge, because evidently Eddie was a ray sunshine and now everyone is too depressed to go on.  Also, we’re past that point in the season.

Spotlight Challenge:

They’re going to be creating Norse Elves, because Thor: The Dark World is following me today.  Laura feels like she has an advantage, because she’s studied elves in depth.  So adorable.  Team Laura!!

They must pick a stone with a Norse symbol, but the catch is they have to pick the symbol before they learn what it means.  They end up as follows:

Anime – Immortality

Tate – Regeneration

Roy – Psychic Powers

Miranda – Chaos

Laura – Occult Abilities

I think Miranda probably got the easiest one out of those.  Of course.

I’m afraid that Laura is going to get into her head, because she knows so much about elves.  I think she is afraid of that too so that’s a good sign…  Fingers crossed.

Anime is not her typical inspired self.  She pushes her sculpture around for a while then ends up having a breakdown in the bathroom.  Tate checks on her and she says she just wants to be alone.  Later Roy is able to comfort her and get her to come out of the bathroom.  Here’s hoping she knocks this out of the park (and Miranda gets kicked off)!

Sadly, the next morning Laura finds a note from Anime saying that she has decided to leave.  She says she didn’t expect to stay so long and at this point would give $100,000 just to see her family again.  I’m sad to see her go, especially since she was the last newbie standing, but I think it was the right decision for her.  Godspeed, Laney!  (Yes we know her name.)  I will be seriously pissed if Miranda is on bottom and is saved because of this though.

On Application Day Miranda is so far behind that she actually uses her model as labor.  Like has her model opening the mold, cleaning out the mold, spreading latex in the mold, drying the mold, painting his own arms and legs, everything! Roy makes a crack about the model perhaps being a contest next season with everything he’s learning today.

Bottom Look for Me: Miranda

Everything about this is a disaster and if Neville says anything positive it will be confirmation that they are sleeping together.

And, of course, he talked about the success of the makeup. They’re totally doing it.

Top Look for Me:  Laura

It’s also helped by the fact that she chose the most elfish looking model, but it was a total look and pretty damn flawless.

Judge’s Choice –  Tate

Disagree.

Eliminated – No one.

Because Neville is doing Miranda.  I hate everyone.

Other Thoughts:

  • Anime is so sad now!  Somebody needs to switch out her stash for the happy stuff!

  • Tate’s concept sketch looks sort of like Cheetara.

  •  Why in the Nordic Challenge would Miranda decide to channel the Mayans?

  • Miranda is so far behind and miserable.

  • Of course Laura has back up options.  She’s the best.
  • I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE YOU NEVILLE!!

Parks & Rec going on hiatus…NBC is the worst.

So apparently amid the scheduling changes announced late last Friday, NBC somewhat slyly added that one of the best shows on television/only surviving Thursday night comedy from last year Parks & Recreation will be going on hiatus effective immediately.  Vulture’s theory is that NBC is trying to drive more viewers to it’s 9pm choke-fest Sean Saves the World by putting special programming that they expect to do better in the 8pm hour.

This is likely true, but I just don’t get it, NBC.  You have critically-lauded comedies with devoted (though small) audiences that you unceremoniously sacrifice to whatever TV god you worship in favor of total crap.  Last year I watched eight shows on NBC, while Parks and Rec is on hiatus that number will be reduced to one.  And, honestly, depending on the premiere of Grimm (the only surviving NBC show that I watch) that number may soon be zero.

I was sad when they ended The Office and 30 Rock, disappointed when they cancelled Go On and The New Normal, but I’ll be angry if they cancel Parks & Rec.  I’m watching you, NBC.

How I Met Your Final Season – With Grave Disappointment

Following much debate between Jen and I, we’ve decided to abandon recapping How I Met Your Terrible and Disappointing Final Season. After watching the last episode in which absolutely nothing happened (and I threw a fit about how stupid the writers now think we are), it’s become a waste of time to try and care about how this show ends.

I don't care

Of course we’ll still watch it, but don’t expect to find any new recaps. Perhaps we’ll post a reaction gif or two, nothing more. What’s become of this final season is a tragedy and a shadow of what it used to be. The characters are not who they were for the past 8 years – watered-down cartoon versions now throw temper tantrums over thank you cards, reassure each other that they are madly in love in every sentence, and have broken every rule these writers carefully established. Ted can take that yellow umbrella and shove it up his butt.

up your butt

From The Husband:

And where the hell is the mother?! How do you premise an entire season of a show, of a series, and in the final season’s big reveal they’ve shown her once and now they’re just wasting time? Show the mother! Show the mother! The whole point is building her up so that the payoff works because they’ve built it up so much over the past 8 seasons, and now they’re not even resolving it…they’re wasting time with this nonsense about thank you cards. It would be ten times better if the season were 5 episodes long, cut out all the crap, and finally show us who the mother is and how they meet. End of story, successful show, no more bullshit.

my brain hurts

American Horror Story – Episode 2 – Black Don’t Crack

About half way through work I remembered that American Horror Story was coming on tonight and it made my day.  The episode didn’t disappoint – creepy, shocking and thought provoking.  I literally clapped with delight twice, and both my wife and I audibly sighed and asked for more when the credits rolled. Here are a few of my favorite parts, which let’s face it were practically all of them.

  • Even though I figured Lily Rabe would be back (pretty sure you can’t kill a necromancer even with fire), I was overly delighted when she appeared in the first scene of this episode.  Also, if you have the power to bring back the dead might as well use it to murder redneck alligator hunters with their own kills.

  • I absolutely adore the idea of the Human Voodoo Doll power.  It is such a new and interesting take on things.  I loved seeing Queenie’s origin story and was cringing as she thrust her hand in the oil.  Also, there was a lot of fried chicken in this episode.  Somebody needs to call Popeye’s for some product placement.

  • I know a lot of people are not fans of Emma Roberts, (Twitter’s heinous response to the gang rape from last episode is evidence of that) but I absolutely adore her and her character.  I have a soft spot for bitches and she plays it perfectly.  I’m sure she’ll be dead by season’s end, but I’ll enjoy her bitchiness while it lasts.

  • I also love that Madison wanted to pay back Zoe for sexing her rapist to death by rebuilding Kyle.  The entire storyline was perfect, from the gruesome morgue scene where they picked the parts to the trippy spell scene and Kyle’s return as a confused and angry Frankenstein’s monster.

  • There is a chance that Cordelia’s pregnancy storyline will end up lame (and let’s face it I would much rather watch Sarah Paulson make out with a scantily clad Emma Roberts than lame-o Josh Hamilton), but as of right now I’m invested.  As a couple in a similar situation, my wife and I can identify with the desperation Cordelia’s feeling after a year of trying to conceive.  At first, we agreed that if we had a magical option we would totally take it, but after the weird snake possession sex circle we’re not so sure.  As long as there’s no marriage with Satan, we’re probably still all in.  Also, Ryan Murphy clearly likes him some pregnant Sarah Paulson.  Just sayin.

  • I am so ready for witches vs. voodoo, and this episode was an excellent primer.  Angela Basset has been brilliant so far and I’m sure she’ll continue to be.  Fiona may be powerful, but as I’ve said before you don’t mess with voodoo.

Sure it’s only Episode 2, but I’ve been loving this season so far.  The only thing that is off is the character of Zoe.  She is incredibly whiney, and I’m totally over it.  Taissa Farmiga is a talented actress so we’ll see.  Next week marks the arrival of one of my least favorite people: Patti Lupone.  Here’s hoping for a bloody, satisfying and quick end to her character.

Face Off – Episode 10 Recap – Grim Grinning Ghosts

Foundation Challenge

Grim Reaper Challenge – Artists must create an original face for the faceless Grim Reaper.

Tate’s looks like a pug. Anime made Rob Zombie. Roy’s is very creepy with no mouth. Laura combined different pre-made prosthetic pieces to create a unique looking Grim Reaper.

Winner: Laura!!!

Suck it, everyone else!!

 Spotlight Challenge

Artists must create an original ghost character that is both scary and funny. This is an intimidating challenge, and I must say I’m glad Laura has immunity. To make something both scary and silly is a strange concept, and the only example Mackenzie and Vee could come up with is Beetlejuice, who is only creepy looking. Michael Keaton made it funny.

For looking so funny, Eddie is clueless on how to make something creepy/funny. He struggles with his initial design, which is some weird doctor. He changes to a 1920s baseball player with a bat sticking out of his head.

Everyone seems to be maintaining a pretty on time schedule. Also, Alana is gone, so no one is freaking out over nothing. Anime “wigs out” over her purple wig, but that seems to be the extent of the drama in the first two days. I feel like I’m watching another terrible episode of How I Met Your Mother with the amount of drama from nothing they’ve got going on.

Roy puts on his midget bodysuit and it is as awesome as it sounds.

Eddie makes some questionable choices on his character. Miranda has a freak out during last looks because her paint job is not finished. And it just looks terrible.

Top Look: Roy’s Midget Twins.

I just want to see him wear the costume again.

 

Bottom Look: Eddie’s Baseball Ghost.

Just no to everything about it.

 

Judges’ Choice: Roy’s Midget Twins.

Rightfully so. It was an excellent idea and finely executed.

 

Eliminated: Eddie.

No surprise because it sucked balls.

 

Random Thoughts:

Why did Eddie stick the baseball bat on the back of his character’s head?

why scrubs

Glen so wants to be Sweeny Todd. On crack.

sweeny todd

Tate’s is pretty bad ass. It looks like Woody’s pedophile uncle.

Rape time

Those judges better judge the shit out of that crappy purple Marie Antoinette.

Excellent

It’s confirmed. Miranda is sleeping with Neville Page.

It is decided!

It is decided!

Glen and Vee nearly piss themselves over how much they love Laura’s make up. It’s so lovely to hear.

oh stop

Really Neville? What kind of criticism is “it could have been funnier”?

Whatever

Between Eddie and Anime, I think we all know who’s going home.

go home

Who would’ve thought that Anime would be the last newbie left??

slow clap

The Husband: “Who’s that bald guy?”

Me: “That’s Neville.”

The Husband: “No. He’s Tom. I don’t like Tom.”

you suck