Ravenswood – It’s Super Serious

What the hell did I just watch? It was an hour of weird baths, forced smiles, creepy uncles, and strange walks down (always) misty roads. I’m confused on the (slightly incestuous) relationship between a brother and a sister, enough Blue Steel poses to shame Zoolander, and the extreme intensity of that kid from Independence Day.

And you thought I wouldn’t recognize you.

First of all, everyone took themselves WAY too seriously. Even the jokes were serious. The entire episode felt like everyone was expecting to die every time they turned around. If they weren’t about to die, Creepy Uncle acted like death itself. However, he runs the local funeral parlor, so it’s supposed to be fitting.

The scares were also pretty PG, except for kid from Independence Day taking a bath and almost gets suffocated by the shower curtain. He was also much more naked than I expected him to be on ABC Family. There was also some weird pale witch who had terrible hair and gray skin (which was poorly applied, says the girl who watches waaaaay too much Face Off). She appears mainly to distract the characters like cat gets distracted with a laser pointer – they keep trying to catch her, but can never pin her down.

All of the families have suffered some kind of tragedy – depression, loss of a parent, terrible hairstyles. I don’t know how much more sadness they can try to cram down our throats. Yes, sad things happen. Yes, you’re all terrible at acting. Yes, maybe there’s a curse about the things you’re creepily talking about right before the 5 main characters drive off a bridge into the river. What I’m actually sad about is that whole hour I’ll never get back. I could’ve used it to watch something good – like Breaking Bad.

Bryan Cranston, you can do no wrong.